Secret of Long Life Revealed!

Submitted by: Bowser

In Local News: Staff Reporter Amy Delight

Roscoe Crancy, long time resident of the Blue Ridge Mountains, stunned this reporter when he stated, 'Ah'm too horny ta die.'

Mr. Crancy is reputed to be the oldest man in America. Following is his interview.

Crancy: Ah wasn't feelin' too well, and the little woman put me on a strict diet.

Reporter: What were the particulars of this diet?

Crancy: No orgasms.

Reporter: No...orgasms?

Crancy: That's right. Ah still get all the sex I want, but I ain't allowed no bang bang, iffen ya get my drift.

Reporter: I, uh, get your drift, but why? I mean what was your wife's reasoning?

Crancy: She said the heart deserved a good workout, but shouldn't be worked out, iffen ya get mah drift.

Reporter: I get your...when was this?

Crancy: Lemme see. That would a been (counting on fingers), before the war.

Reporter: The Iraq War?

Crancy: (chuckles) Naw.

Reporter: Surely not the...the Viet Nam War!

Crancy: Missy, you sure are a young'n.

Reporter: Well, which war are you talking about?

Crancy: Ah'm talkin' bout the Hitler War.

Reporter: But you look so young!

Crancy: That's cause all my vitamins and minerals are all bottled up inside me. They ain't got no wheres ta go, so they just make me healthy.

Reporter: So you and your wife don't have sex.

Crancy: You ain't been listenin' now, have ya? We have sex all the time, three four times a day. She rubs me till I'm ready to pop... she'll do that three or four times in a row... then she lays back and gets the bang bang, then we do it all over again, iffen ya get my drift.

Reporter: I get... never mind... she gets off three to four times a day? Are you saying your wife has three to four orgasms a day?

Crancy: Sometimes five or six. But I don't keep count. Sometimes mah hands're so tired I can't raise mah fingers to count.

Reporter: But you don't orgasm.

Crancy: That's what I been sayin', isn't it?

Reporter: But how do you manage? I mean, don't you just get so frustrated that you... you want to explode?

Crancy: In the beginnin' Ah did. But my wife just rubs mah old walnut, it heps. Believe me it heps. Cept when the old joy juice drains out. Then Ah gets extra horny. Then it's tough. The little lady, she thinks that's sorta funny. Sez if the kettle don't whistle the pot will blow up.

Reporter: Walnut? I don't--

Crancy: You'll have to scuse me now, I got to get to work.

Reporter: You still work at the piano factory?

Crancy: Every day fer sixty years. Ah'm the number one piano lifter.

Reporter: You lift pianos fer a... for a living? At your age?

Crancy: Ah got so many vitamins and minerals in me... (shrugs). Besides, ah got to earn money ta bring home to the little lady.

Reporter: You give your salary to your wife.

Crancy: Ah didn't used to, back before the war, but oncet Ah went on the diet, seems like Ah like givin' her all my money. Like buyin' her flowers, too. Can't figure that one out. Seems like I didn't want ta, at first. But she just kept rubbin' me, and now Ah likes to.

Reporter: You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little dubious, Mr. Crancy--

Crancy: Roscoe.

Reporter: --Roscoe. But let me see if I have this right.

Crancy: Go on ahead.

Reporter: For the last sixty plus years you have been giving your wife three to four orgasms a day--

Crancy: Sometimes five or six.

Reporter: --and you never have an orgasm in her.

Crancy: How could I?

Reporter: What?

Crancy: She don't let me in her. All Ah'm allowed ta do is rub and lick her. Remember, she just wants me workin', she don't want me all worked out.

Reporter: Yes, uh, right. So you use your fingers, and she uses her fingers.

Crancy: Rubs mah little walnut. (smiles)

Reporter: And because of that you are still able to lift pianos--

Crancy: Every day. Speakin' a which, Ah got to get ta work.

End of interview.

[ Back to chastity fiction page ]

Page last updated 08-Jan-26 by: