Arousal and the Doors of Perception

This is part of my column series called "My Travels with Griffin." It's the story of my relationship with Griffin, with a focus on our mutual exploration of BDSM and spirituality. You don't have to read them in order, but it might make more sense to do so. Griffin approved publication of every single column that I have ever written about him.

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So I love chastity now, because it is the peace that comes of fucking. I love being chaste now. I love it as snowdrops love the snow. I love this chastity, which is the pause of peace of our fucking, between us now like a snowdrop of forked white fire. And when the real spring comes, when the drawing together comes, then we can fuck the little flame brilliant and yellow, brilliant. But not now, not yet! Now is the time to be chaste, it is so good to be chaste, like a river of cool water in my soul.
~ D.H. Lawrence

I just returned from the bathroom at my job were I nearly had an orgasm, but stopped short. I sat on the toilet in that fluorescent lit room, staring at the cream colored cubicle walls. Yet my mind was closed off, floating as my fingers teased my clitoris into hardness, hoping against hope that no one would walk in and hear my breath, hot and fast. When I’d finished, but not yet come, I stood, my legs trembling, and dressed again for my workday. My pantyhose were damp with juices, and I would smell my own arousal all day.

It was only yesterday that Griffin put me on this regime, to arouse myself four times a day until this weekend. Four days of agony, and when he arrives I will be raw with need. I am aroused all the time now, even when working. I imagine this weekend, when finally I can be close to him. I want to weep with desire, beg him for just a few strokes. I know he is aware of my pain, and will silence my quiet desperation. This will be a test for me, to go to him not full of my own need to be touched, but full instead of a desire to serve him -- whether or not that includes even a moment of his hand upon me.

We started this particular training because, despite appearances, my sex drive is lower than his. I can go for weeks without orgasm, and hardly break stride. The first time Griffin lead me through the exercise, I wasn’t sure if he would really follow through and refuse me release. In the past his gentle nature pretty much assured I’d be satisfied. But Griffin is no longer that casual Dominant I played with for months. Now he is dead serious and I must match his intention. I begged him not to tease me, and he became angry at my resistance. He wants me to focus on the pleasure, and yet I have yet to learn to enjoy the process without insisting on a certain ending.

The more pleasure I enjoy, the more painful it is to feel the withdrawal just before orgasm. I try to turn myself over to it, to let it sear through me, knowing that I need this more than I need yet another orgasm. To get through it, I remind myself to enjoy every second of it, and to feel the pain fully as well. Oh how I struggle. I will sometimes ice my clitoris because the pain of the ice is a relief from the pain of arousal unfulfilled. Occasionally, I go through it all again, knowing that each time I make it successfully to the pain of withdrawal, I am a tiny bit closer to deserving this collar.

When I am in this state of soulful need, I feel his power over me, rich and intimate. I want him to see my hungry, vulnerable inner self. I want to kneel at his feet and turn myself over to him, to feel his acceptance of all of me, even the selfish part that just wants pleasure for its own sake.

Out of this exercise which I started simply to follow his directive, I found myself reaching a whole new spiritual level, one that completely surprised me. The truth is that I have struggled with many of his orders because I acted on them in my normal rational mind, and so they had little meaning for me. I wear the chastity belt as he instructs, but often even forget it’s on while I’m writing or working. In contrast when I practice this orgasm control, I am immediately catapulted into subspace and function on a purely emotional and spiritual level. My rational self is elsewhere, the doors of perception open to me. Primal passions wash through my heart like an ocean wave. Things I never thought I’d even consider or wish for, things that scare me but are undoubtedly the right path.

I want to be still and quiet, a Taoist walking mindfully, accepting whatever comes, whatever he gives me with equanimity. I want to live in this, my spiritual mind, at all times. Now that I know this place exists, I will never return to the easy casualness of submitting to his orders like they are another thing on the list. Now I will feel them as they truly are, tools to take me to the other side.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It’s Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene ( http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html ). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont’s first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright August 2003 Sadie Sez Publications

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