A personal journey into chastitySubmitted by: elliott
One warning... it is a bit of a longish "essay". It is also a personal insight of what happened for my Mistress and i, others may not have the same reactions... or put it another way.. "your mileage may vary". elliott - owned and loved by LadyLinda i have been wearing a chastity device called a cb-2000 on and off for about a month now. My first "sentence" was three and a half days, the second time i was "locked in" for seven days and this time around its been six days since the lock was snapped shut and i have no idea at the moment when i will be allowed out. My Keyholder (who is my Wife and Mistress, LadyLinda) is currently threatening to let me out to pleasure Her without allowing me to cum and then locking me back up. Funnily enough i am, kind of, in a strange masochistic way, looking forward to that. To those of you who read that opening paragraph and are currently whispering under your breath that "this guy must be nuts" - let me say that a few years ago i probably might have said the same thing. So what happened to me that has led to such a radical change of view? What persuaded me to agree to purchase a chastity device and why are both my Mistress and i so delighted (actually delighted is a significant understatement but i will come back to that in a moment) by the events of the last few weeks?
Before i get to why it has delighted us so much, its logical to talk about
what i was like a few years ago when i never entertained a single thought
that some form of chastity was in my future. When i met my future Wife and
Mistress online, back in 1995, right from the very beginning we played
around with "orgasm control". Mistress trained me over a period of time to
pretty much cum on command by always counting back from ten down to zero and
expecting me to ejaculate at the point She said "NOW". Obviously as an
awesomely devious, wicked and cruel Mistress there were times when the count
stopped before zero and was not restarted immediately. Some form of begging
on my part used to be involved at that point
As an aside we much later on played an ironic game whereby whenever i was
close to orgasm i had to beg Mistress to stop (Her hand or my hand or my
thrusting or Her thrusting depending on what we were doing) and sometimes
She said "Okay" and i experienced the sweet torture of holding back and
riding the (almost) crest of an orgasm - (sometimes referred to as "edging"),
then calming down only to be ordered to start the cycle (of torment) again.
Other times She said "No" which in effect was an order to keep going and
orgasm.
Back to the actual sequence of events the next development was the first
time, having played some of these "edging" (or if you like "teasing") games
and i had been aroused for a significant period, that Mistress decided to
send me to bed without allowing me to orgasm. In other words my first
experience of "orgasm denial". When She did that i am embarrassed now to
have to admit that i pouted. For about three days if i recall it correctly.
Mistress was very cool about the whole incident, did not let me away with
it, but it was some time before we visited orgasm denial, as opposed to
orgasm control, again. At the time our relationship was principally online
and by telephone and yes i could have said yes (or more appropriately "yes
Mistress") to Her and having said goodnight, masturbated to completion
anyway. i think the reason i didn't do that, is that our relationship meant
more to me than that. We always treated what we did online or by phone as
being as real as anyone else's D/s relationship. Perhaps that level of trust
and honesty is what brought us through the dark days of being 5000 miles
away from each other to the point where we are now inseparable.
Missing the point?
A whole bunch of things happened that made me begin to question whether i
had missed the point that chastity could be a delight from my perspective. i
never really had a problem understanding the delight from the Dominants
point of view in the sense that there must be an enormous feeling of power
to be derived from controlling the sexuality of the submissive / slave. i,
on the other hand, had a vague (or maybe real) fear that probably had some
of its roots in internet fiction. Many short stories involving devices, of
one type or another, involved very long-term chastity extending in some
instances to permanent soldering of the lock. More worryingly where
long-term chastity came into the picture cuckoldry always seemed to be part
of the plot. Its easy to say the words "its just fiction" or "don't be silly
that's a fantasy and fantasies are often way out there" and logically i know
that. Emotionally it's very different. i have no desire to be involved in a
long-term denial dynamic and cuckoldry is a hard inviolate limit for me. i
guess i was making the assumption that these stories were representative of
the chastity dynamic. i was very wrong about that!
One of the things that began to change my mind was a book called The
Multi-Orgasmic Man. The book highlights ancient Chinese and Taoist teachings
which recognised that men can achieve multiple orgasms by delaying and even
withholding ejaculation. The book explains that orgasm and ejaculation are
two distinct and separate processes although most men in the western world
believe them to be part of the same experience. The book goes on to outline
techniques that can lead to whole body orgasms and unparalleled levels of
sexual ecstasy. These techniques have at their core learning to hold back
ejaculation and circulating the energy of sexuality around the body.
About the same time i began reading the book i was also spending idle time
surfing the internet for BDSM articles of all types and came across a bunch
of articles written by a Domme called Rika. A discussion about the articles
as a whole is a subject for another day but one of the articles is called
"The Chastity Fantasy". In this article Rika describes the dynamic of
chastity as, in effect, an elongated bondage "scene" going on for a number
of days. She starts the article by effectively tearing down the myths
contained in the types of internet fiction that contributed to my reticence
on the subject of chastity and then going on to suggest that being put in
the device is a "treat" or "playtime". When i first read that and began
linking the thoughts with ideas from the book on being multi-orgasmic i was
forced to confront my previous (mis)conceptions about chastity. There was
this nagging thought in the back of my mind that somehow i'd missed the
point and that maybe this might be fun (in the pervy masochistic sense of
the word "fun").
Might this be fun?
So at this point in the journey i had probably realised that i had a bunch
of misconceptions about chastity but i wasn't yet sold on the idea of a
device. At about the same time i was also reading a lot of stuff on the
Internet about teasing and denial. There are some excellent resources and
i'll put some links at the end of the essay. i guess the main point i want
to make is that searching under the heading "teasing and denial" uncovered
resources and fiction that were both fun and arousing in contrast to the
fiction that typically comes from a search for "chastity". Some of the
teasing and denial fiction included the use of chastity devices but
typically this was done in a way that the men involved described variously
as exciting, arousing and mind-blowing. So now i was beginning to think that
i was missing out on the fun and that maybe there was prize to be had from a
short period of chastity device wearing - basically a mind-blowing orgasm. It's
a short step from this to ordering a device from the website.
Emotional Reactions.
i'll add some stuff to this later about the practical issues surrounding
wearing a cb-2000 but what i mainly wanted to share is the emotional
reactions to wearing the device. Talking with others online about how i was
feeling whilst wearing the cb-2000 was what first made me think about
writing something to explain, in a more than cursory sense, what was
happening to me emotionally.
The first time the device went on Mistress made a whole scene out of the
build up to being "locked away", how much fun She was going to have whilst i
was being denied, how She was going to tease and torment and torture me for
days, maybe even weeks. And then She snapped the lock shut! i have to say
that the first time i did get a minor rush from the lock clicking shut but
if i am honest i haven't had that since. What does happen consistently is
that once Mistress has finished with the initial teasing as i go into the
device then within about twenty-four hours i do begin to exhibit changed
behaviours. i become very much more attentive to Mistress, my submissive
nature is heightened and i become much more service oriented than usual. And
its not as though i'm an inattentive "do me" male in the first place. And
its not an act and i'm not playing this way in order to get released. i
just feel very sexual and sensual. i become much cuddlier and very much more
tactile. i can't keep my hands off my Mistress and from the moment She
awakes to the moment She falls asleep then i want to touch and kiss every
inch of Her body, to stroke and tease Her and if She allows it or commands
it to please Her sexually until She is completely satiated. i can relax
totally into this mode of attentiveness and service because i unconsciously
or subconsciously know that i will get no release and that this is not about
me, its about the pleasure of my Mistress. If i pick Mistress up at work
then i leap out of the car and passionately kiss Her neck, Her mouth or Her
shoulders oblivious to whether or not Her work colleagues are around. My
hands roam all over Her body in a frenzy of displaying my utter need for Her
touch, a touch that i cannot have. Mistress usually whispers something
teasing in my ear at this point and my passion increases, my desire boils
until She snaps, "that's enough", pats me on the ass and instructs me to
drive Her home.
i also generally have an incredible energy once i reach this stage. At work
i feel that i can move mountains with a flick of my little finger. At home i
am like a demon ensuring that Mistress does not, as much as possible, have
to lift a finger. However we are going to have to sort something out about
the ironing because device or not i still hate that
i'm trying to work out how to be more like this when i am out of the device
because Mistress finds this incredibly arousing from Her point of view. She
feels incredibly loved, very wanted and needed. It very much plays to the
heart of Her femininity.
From the point of view of the headtrip, one thing we did slightly
differently to the norm was the way my Mistress "holds" the key. Typically
the key is worn on a neckchain, dangling between the breasts. We had a waist
chain custom made with a short length of chain hanging down from the main
chain with the key dangling just about level with my Mistress's clit. The
torment is that when ordered to sexually service Mistress with my tongue i
am very, very conscious that i am being denied even as i bring Her pleasure
and satisfaction.
One of the things that i think you have to enjoy to make the experience
pleasurable is the eroticism of sexual torment. To actually be able to
process the teasing and feel the shivers running down your spine. To enjoy
the feeling of your cock throbbing in the device. To be able to accept a
comment from your owner to the effect that maybe if your good you might get
out tomorrow or maybe the day after that and smile. To show your owner how
horny you are, how much you desire to come out for Her pleasure (and yours)
and laugh with Her when She giggles and says "No". To suffer the erotic
torture of maddeningly massive erections as She orders you to pleasure Her
with your fingers, mouth, lips and tongue. To come to terms with being
denied. All these things and more i have come to enjoy and are the source of
the energy i have after the first few hours in the device.
Downside
There is a downside to all this though. Well there would be wouldn't there.
Life always seems to have a catch. What seems to happen is that when i have
a little down patch emotionally then it can feel like the end of the world.
i know that in essence i am a control freak. i cannot settle when i am
stressed about work and therefore i normally work incredibly hard to stay on
top of my job. At home i am very organised and a bit of a neat freak. i
guess that for me i need to be that in control of my life. That control is
also part of my "gift" to my Mistress when i submit to Her. If i am out of
control then i feel like i have nothing to give. And then life throws one of
its little spanners in the works. This might be easier to understand if i
give you an example. One day the second time i was wearing the device one of
our cats accidentally got locked in the bathroom when we went to work. When
we got home, not unnaturally, the cat had been trying to get out of the
bathroom and had clawed at the carpet and left the edge in quite a mess. And
i just lost it emotionally. Whereas normally i might be ticked it felt like
the end of the world. i almost cried in frustration. Mistress tried to help
me through it but i was inconsolable. And that made me feel disappointed in
myself, because additionally i felt i was letting Her down.
It might be that this is just stress on top of the frustration that is part
and parcel of wearing the device and accepting the teasing that is an
integral part of the situation. A kind of snowball effect. But i think it's
more complicated than that. The highs involved in wearing the device are
incredibly high, so if you "fall" there is a longer way to fall than usual.
There is also the issue of beating up on myself for losing control. It's
similar to the point where you realise that losing your temper is a sure
sign that you are going to lose an argument. i think the best explanation i
have for it is that it is a kind of exaggerated sub drop. Add all these
factors together and it's a very quick downward spiral.
Contributing to this as well is one of the physical side effects of the
device which we refer to as 5am "boner". Clearly this is something that
happens quite naturally but normally just passes me by during sleep. Not in
a chastity device it doesn't!!! Most mornings will find me leaping out of
bed, heading rapidly for the loo to try and pee, which helps ease the
erection away. After that its impossible for me to go back to sleep so one
of the dynamics going on is mild sleep deprivation. This is not a huge issue
(other than the size of the boner) but it may well be a contributing factor
in the stress - frustration - sub drop situation.
Given that we are getting used to these emotional drops occurring we are
better prepared for them and are getting better at getting past them. As
with many "difficult" BDSM issues communication is of paramount importance.
I am very lucky to have a safe environment in which to work through these
issues given that the basis of our relationship is loving, safe sane and
consensual. And, for giving me that emotional safety, i will always be in
debt to my wonderful Mistress.
More than anything, this section is the reason i wanted to write this
"essay". The emotional rollercoaster was something we had just not
anticipated, the issues it raised were not the ones we expected. This may
not happen to everyone. If it does happen to you, i would warn against
ploughing on regardless. The issues that arise need to be dealt with slowly
in a loving and caring environment.
The prize?
So is it worth it? i can only say that for me the prize is the great highs
and tremendous energy experienced whilst wearing the device and an
unparalleled orgasm of Mount Vesuvius proportions when "permitted". Many
men, myself included, suffer some form of performance anxiety. After a few
days in a chastity device i have found the chances of performance problems
exceptionally remote and therefore i can just concentrate on totally
enjoying the sex and on trying not to come too soon. i get exceptionally
erect from the moment the key comes into view and there is the chance that
i'm about to be released. Its actually quite difficult to get the device off
whilst being that aroused - but trust me when i say that this is the kind of
problem you are only to happy to overcome.
Practical Issues
My advice on the practical side of things is keep the device clean - you can
shower in the cb-2000 without a problem. Beware of the lock showing signs of
rust and think about using some wd-40 on it between sessions. Use a cream or
baby oil or powder to ease any chafing of the skin against the device. You
will have to learn to pee sitting down - the side benefit of which is that
you never forget to put the toilet seat down for your Mistress
There is no problem with the device, that i am aware of, if you are pierced.
In fact if you have a Prince Albert, the sense of security can be increased
by additionally locking the PA ring to the device.
It takes a bit of time at the start to work out the best arrangement of
rings and spacers with the cb-2000. You do need to experiment a bit first
before you go for your first formal "lock-in". We didn't and we didn't lose
anything by it, but looking back it would have been more straightforward if
we had.
Links:
(1) The cb-2000 homepage (this is the device that we use):
http://www.cb-2000.com
(2) The altairboy site - as far as i know the most comprehensive site on
chastity on the web - covering both male and female perspectives - including
a discussion list - and lots of resources on alternatives to the cb-2000.
http://www.tpe.com/~altarboy/
(3) Teasing and Denial Forum:
http://www.ntcweb.com/forums/suck/
Conclusion
In our opinion the cb-2000 has proved a great investment. Overall we have
been incredibly delighted with the effects for all kinds of reasons. There
is a downside but this is more than balanced by the positive effects. Would
we make the same decision again - without hesitation i would say "yes".
elliott - Owned and loved by LadyLinda
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Page last updated 01-Sep-08 by:
Altairboy@aol.com
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